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Keep Going

Sorry for the crickets lately, guys. I don't know, I mean, it hasn't been complete radio silence, but I'm stilling the habit/pattern of blogging 4-5 times a week-- so when I go about 5 days without a post, it feels weird.

I've been trying hard to focus on feeling better lately. I mean, I'm ALWAYS focused on feeling better, but especially in the past few days/weeks. I don't know what happened this month, but my body isn't really doing a great job at feeling good/normal lately. It's been rough. And especially now, after getting really sick, it's really emotionally rough when I don't feel good. I get a giant self esteem hit every time. I don't know how to explain it. I just really like to feel good, on top of things, useful, functioning, all the productive things-- but when I feel ill, I feel worthless or less than. I don't know, its hard. It's hard to be putting so much time and effort into recovery and still not feel amazing two years out. Two years this week really. I think I went into the hospital about two years and a week ago. crazy, right?

On top of focusing on my health, I've been just taking it easy and focused on my friend laura-- she get married in just a few days. And I don't want to feel bad for that. I want to feel really good for that. This past weekend was her bachelorette weekend--- and it was good, but also hard for me to get away. Good because I got to spend the weekend with wonderful weekend, celebrating one of my favorite people, but hard because I haven't been feeling great and I want to fully feel good to fully enjoy the moments going on around me.

It's also a bit strange for me because this was really my first bachelorette experience and this is really the first time in 11 years of me being completely sober. I obviously didn't drink during my pregnancy, but outside of that I've always been a social drinker-- I enjoy going out, having a few drinks, dancing until whatever hour-- and I miss that since getting sick. I just don't have the energy to stay up late and party--- even if I'm not drinking. But yeah, I stopped drinking this year. It just isn't worth it anymore. Honestly, since getting sick, I hardly ever even feel drunk or tipsy or whatever--- and then I'm useless for a week after a night out (3 drink max). It's so crazy. So yeah, I stopped drinking. And honestly, I wouldn't mind it so much if I felt better-- but when you're walking up with s group of girls who have been enjoying drinks the whole day before and you feel just as beat up as them-- if not more beat up, it's sort of a giant WTF is wrong with me feeling moment.

So yeah, my main goal this week is to focus on feeling good for Laura's big day, Saturday. I just want to enjoy it, dance all night, and feel good.

But in the meantime--- I might actually have to go in for a tooth extraction tomorrow. The dentist might have an open spot, if not I'll be waiting till after the wedding and hoping my tooth isn't actually infected. I'm dreading it, but I know I need to get it done. I'm always wondering if that tooth is whats causing so many symptoms this month. I'm not sure. I guess we'll find out. I'm worried that I won't recover in time for the wedding, but I know that teeth problems, especially infections are not something to mess with. And I obviously can't risk taking antibiotics again-- I can't risk it and my body certainly couldn't take another antibiotic hit, c. diff or not. Really, a lot of my health problems happened after my dentist visits from hell 2.5 years ago. Do you guys remember that time? Where every other week I was basically complaining about my dentist experience from hell? I mean, obviously my body REALLY shut down with the c. diff, but it was slowly getting worse after the dental mistakes. I've been working on fixing all those problems this past year with a better dentist and diet (my teeth have not at all gotten worse or any signs of cavities from changing to the high fruit, low fat diet by the way----I know some of you guys have asked). So yeah, I'm reallyyyy hoping this helps. If not, I don't know. All I know is that I'm going to keep going. Random set backs will happen-- but I'm still going to believe that I will feel great one day.

I know I feel better than before. And that has to be good enough for now.

I hope you guys had an amazing weekend. Mine was really great-- poor health and all, it was really nice spending time with great people, with no agenda other than relaxing, enjoying, and celebrating. Grateful for it. The vibe in the air has been superrrrrr weird today. I cried, a few times really. And we came home to a really reallyyyyyy weird situation. I don't really have details to share yet, because in all honesty, we don't know whats going on, but we do know there was a bad accident in our neighborhood when we weren't home. We're all safe and good and our house is totally fine, but something happened today. Like I said, I don't know whats going on, but we find out tomorrow.

Wish me luck on this tooth thing, if it happens tomorrow. I have a giveaway coming up for you tomorrow (or next day) and a line of beautiful photo posts too. I mean, I'm biased, but I think their beautiful photos ;) So YAY!

ps. I've done reallyyyy well sticking with my no buying of clothes unless their organic or sustainable. Those jeans^ were the last thing I bought before I made the pact. And honestly, EVERY single day I want to buy a second pair because they are so damn comfortable, but I haven't yet. (this is the body suit-- also purchased before the year)I think I'm going to have a nice organic clothing giveaway for you guys soon too :) If not soon, then for mothers day, k? Okay, I should hit the sack, life is super weird and I need all the rest I can get right now. Hope you guys are well <3

photos by celia d luna on our magical trip to mexico :) 

Beach Vibes (Heading to St. Petersburg Today/Tomorrow)

We're heading off to road trip today! Tomorrow? Depends when you read this. It's a super short one-- we're doing a much longer road trip at the end of April. SO this one I guess is the preparatory one-- to get Marlowe used to it. I know I've mentioned it, but she's not a big road turn girl like me. I mean, I sort of get it though-- road tripping in Florida is NOT exciting. But I am excited for tomorrow, haha! We're heading to the west coast-- and you know whats crazy? I've NEVER been! I'm looking forward to checking out west coast beaches-- it's crazy how different a beach can be from another, you know? Even here in Florida. Like, we dont have sand dollars on the east coast-- but the west coast is apparently swimming in them-- and loads of seashells. Maybe I'll find my first shark tooth, who knows.

The beaches in Puerto Rico were certainly different. The waves were HUGE. I'm not a surfer, but if I was, I would be excited. I did buy a wet suit once though-- to attempt to go in the beach up north, I did not succeed.

My mom still laughs at it. I think she still has my wet suit too. Next time I'm up north, I'll be trying that bad boy on--- and not going in the water again.

I miss Puerto Rico. Finding food was often difficult, and it's so much like Florida, but I do miss being there and hanging out with Christine every day. When she goes back, we'll probably go back. And sit on the beaches there-- even though we have beaches here. And eat acai bowls there-- even though we have acai bowls here. And cook all the meals there that we can cook here, etc.

Because sometimes it's nice just getting away--- even if it's to another place thats so much like home.

I've had a few friends comment on the frequency of me wearing these jeans. But I can't help it. I made a pact to not buy new, non organic and non sustainable pants-- and I can't find another cut and fit that fits me like these. Is it terrible if.I break the promise to myself and buy another pair? No, but I know I shouldn't. So until I find another pair of jeans that fit me like these, that are organic, I guess I'll wear these everyday.

Within an hour of arriving I spotted this place and knew we'd have to check it out. We patiently waited until one day it was finally open. Then we went back three more times, haha.

why are acai bowls so good? 

always wanting to climb...

It was so rad-- there were no sea shells at all-- it was so rare to see one and then out of no where, this girl bends down and picks up a sand dollar! I've NEVER found a sand dollar at the beach. We were both SUPER excited!

We were cold. we cuddled. 

She wheres this dress everywhere. 

outdoor, sweaty and delicious lunch breaks.
I dont even know what this was-- some sort of roasted root veggie thing with greens and who knows what else. It was pretty good though! 

So yeah! We're heading west tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it. If you guys happen to have recommendations, please do let me know-- like I said, we've never been :) Oh, and we're bringing our stinky dog with us-- so if you happen o know of a pet friendly hotel that doesn't cost a million bucks, that'd be great too :)

Hope you guys are having a great week! It's starting off a bit hectic, but good over here. Finally feeling like I'm getting better from last weeks death feeling. I even worked out again today :) Feels good, maybe tomorrow I'll have abs ;) j/k

Happy Tuesday, friends!


"pictures of recently enjoyed things" is probably one of my worst titled posts, ya? I mean, it is... or was.. one of my most loved posts... but man, how about that title? When I'm collecting photos to post they go into the really well named folder: PORET. Yep, a shorted version of the longest title ever. Whatever. I didn't start blogging so I could title things, haha. Today I decided that I wanted to mix it up a bit and title this post, PORET--- because really, does it get more romantic than that? Doesn't that title scream dreamy romantic fairy tale? No? Well, good, thats life, haha.

But here we are... some favorite recent things.

This weekend was good. Muchhhh better than last week for sure. I'm sort of bummed that I felt so junky this past week. It was our last full week at Kristians, it would have been nice to enjoy his space and neighborhood more, before moving back to our place today (yay!). But oh well. And hey, I did keep (steal) his house key like I said I would. Sooooo party over there next time he's out of town ;)

But yeah, the weather has been chilly here. Mostly at night and in the morning, but definitely chilly. During the day it's been really lovely though. And I'm grateful for it. I'm hoping it helps me get out of this funk. Honestly, I think this happened last year too around this time. My birthdays are always ehhhh for me in general-- and then add in the anniversary of me getting sick? It's a double bummer whammy. I don't like being reminded of how hard that time was. And I don't like being reminded that more time is still passing and I'm still not totally amazingly wonderful every freaking day. But who knows, maybe soon. Maybe next year. We will see. Either way, you know I'm going to keep on fighting to feel amazing.

Here are some things I've been enjoying-- sometimes while feeling great, sometimes while feeling mediocre, and sometimes while feeling downright crummy ;)

shake your coconuts. 

tea. so much tea. I've become a heavy tea drinker with this past cold front. 
Marlowe took this. She asked to the a photo. This is me feeling crummy. I didn't even bother to smile. She didn't care. Honestly, I just really enjoy when she finds a moment that she wants to photograph. Not sure why it was this one, but I'll take it. 


on a boat with this little lady.
any tips for getting her to want to learn to swim? seriously though... I can't get her to want to learn. She has to here! 

Purging. There's a lot of very real, honest, not very nice things about alex in this book. Sympathetic things too, but still. I've been holding on to it. This month when we purged, I let it go.

She's a popsicle. 

I am deliberate and afraid of nothing... and I like oranges a lot. 

We had a week of really intense wind--- then it broke and we hightailed it to the beach. Glad we got a day in before the cold front :)

The good thing about renting out your house is that it makes you want to repair all the things that are wrong with it. We fixed a window.

She lost a tooth and it was bloody and glorious. 

My romantic bathroom. Aka, when the power goes out, you make the best of it ;) 
flowers. always flowers. 

I hope you guys had an amazing weekend. Not sure what were really doing this spring break week-- but I'm hoping for a good one :) Happy Monday, friends. 

Checking In --- I'm 32 and Alive

Hi friends, how are you? I want to tell you that I've been wonderful. But man, I really haven't. I'm sitting here with the door open, staring at a gorgeous pool with palm fronds blowing in the breeze above and sunshine speckling through--- but I tell you, I wish I and it felt as wonderful and glamorous as it sounds. I'm kind of a big (small, I guess) noodle-y blob of meh-ness right now. This is the first time I've even opened my computer in dayssssssssss!

I'm 32 and alive.

I headed down to Miami on friday night for a dinner with one of the media companies I work with. I dropped off Marlowe at Celia's, picked up Celia, and made our way to south beach. It was a fun time, met some rad people, ate some healthy food, drank some cocktails, etc etc.

I thought it would be a good way to go into my birthday weekend. Did I mention that it is/was my birthday? It was. I didn't make any big plans or really tell anyone. I just wanted something easy. And I didn't want to over think it. Or be let down. Or all the other slightly pessimistic thoughts I often think when I think of my birthday. Ya know?

But/and instead of wanting to go out-- like I would have any other year before, I was beat. Really beat. I think everyone has been feeling it around us lately. So many people I know seem to be confused to why they've got extra sniffles, and sneezing, and mucus and all the things. I was blaming mango flowers, but now I don't know. Not everyone I know is allergic to mango flowers.

Anyway, I woke up Saturday to surprise birthday cupcakes (yay! Thank you Celia!). Well actually, Marlowe ruined the surprise about thirty minutes before (haha). She's been really good at surprise-ruining this year ;)  Ate a cupcake and spent the morning and afternoon in Miami. But as each hour passed I felt worse and worse, more and more nauseous. I think I managed to take one picture the whole day.... of an avocado. (obviously).

Maybe food poisoning. I really have no idea. But I spent the next two days trying not to puke (not very successful) and the next three days with a fever. Well, whatever it was, it knocked my immune system down hard. Because I woke up on the third day with a sore throat and feeling like a virus creeped inside of me. Who knows. This whole "shitty immune system after c. diff" thing can stop anyyyyyytimeeee now. I mean, all in all, I've been getting better-- significantly better in the last half a year, but it's still tough to not feel a constant flaming ball of amazing awesomeness (super realistic expectation, I know).

I don't know. I should have maybe been more careful with what I ate. It's just that sometimes I want to believe that I didn't develop allergies, because other than milk, I never ever had food allergies before c. diff.  And so sometimes I try to eat things that I probably shouldn't. And then I feel it. (Whattajerk.) I say it all the time, my life is broken up into parts, before c. diff and after c. diff-- but now I need to remind myself that the after c. diff allergy part is okay-- I just have to accept it and take care of it too.

So yeah, another birthday thats followed by me feeling like garbage. Like, the universe needs to remind me that I'm getting older and not younger. (I got it, universe).

Whatever. I'm not here to complain. I mean, that wasn't my intention--- I just needed to let out all the reasons to why this place has been radio silence lately.

Because other than the sudden worthless body and useless mind feeling this week, things have been really good.

We actually head back to our house next week. The guests check in today is our last one. I blocked off new requests until further notice. We'll probably open it up when we travel and things like that. I'm going to miss Kristian's house a lot. I told him yesterday that we were leaving this week and his response was, "Already?!" -- time FLEW BY, so fast. I think he's going to miss us too :)

I planned to do a whole post about our time here and our airbnb experience, but like I said, the uselessness is high right now for me. I'd rather give myself another day or two and put together a better post for you guys. But overall it's been good. We had one review that left us four stars instead of five stars and I wanted to cry... andddddd this is why I don't do competitive sports. I started questioning everything. Where did I go wrong? Why did everyone else love our place but not them!? etc etc. I mean, logically I know that three is average and four is good, but WHY NOT FIVE?! Hahahayeahhh, I maybe took it personal, but really, the whole thing has been good.

It's been a real eye opener and aid in a lot of ways. As I hoped it would be. I think the hardest part has been cleaning up Kristian's kitchen messes. My new nickname is now "frat mom"--- which works for me, I guess. I've always been the mom of the group. Even in middle school my guy friends called me the mom of the group. I'll take it. I just like to take care of everything, ya know?

Alright friends. Today is officially Marlowe's last day of school. (More on that soon!) I gotta clean up and make my last loop in the carloop! Then I gotta figure out what we can do together outside on this fine day-- that doesn't require too much of my brain or energy ;) And if all else fails, we'll be sitting on Kristian's couch watching Gilmore Girls for hours-- because it's been that kind of week and we're totally okay with that.

I hope you guys had an amazing week. And have an even better weekend! I know it's been cold and snowy for a lot of you guys. (Cold for us here too). But hopefully you've been taking advantage of it as extra cuddle time? I'll be back Sunday (Monday the latest) with posts that (hopefully) make more sense and don't involve mucus in the rambles. Cool? Cool.

Have a great weekend friends!

ps. I just re-read this. I'm going to work on the whole extra Debbie downer birthday thing next year ;)